It is amazing to me how easy it is to get “hooked” by something in life. You know how it is. You are going through life feeling pretty good when all of a sudden something happens. It can be as minute as being cut off in traffic or as major as finding out a loved one has a life-threatening illness. Or somewhere in between, you detect a tone in your significant others response to your question, you are on the phone with you mother and she does that “thing,” you didn’t sign the new client, whatever.
Suddenly, you experience changes, you feel like crap, bummed, angry, … fill in the blank and it seems like the “thing” that happened is to blame. “It’s” the reason for your change. It’s difficult in those moments to remember it is our reaction, the meaning we are adding that is causing the change in our experience.
You may think I am just reminding you to think positively or I am talking about creating a different meaning when something happens. I am actually going further then that. When we create meaning when something happens, we do more than impact our present moment. We actually are creating our future. We are always, always, always creating the future.
In reality there is no future. We are always in the present moment. It is always “now.” The future is a mental construct. However, we live like there is a future rather than we are always creating it.
When something happens we add meaning and we simultaneously “anticipate” the future. In Appreciative Inquiry, the Anticipatory Principle states that it is the future we envision that gives us our experience in the present. Think about it, the Friday before vacation is one experience and the Friday before you return to work is another. It is the future you are imagining that has changed.
You may be asking, “What is the link?” Well, when, for example, you detect a tone in your significant other’s response to you (or any other thing happens) your reaction puts a future out in front of you. You know what’s going to happen next, you anticipate a future, You start acting in accordance with that future YOU created. You are “hooked” in the moment by the future you are creating and you are acting consistent with the future you are creating, so you are making the future happen pretending it is happening to you rather than because of you.
The funny thing is when we get clear about what really happened independent of our assessments, “Just the facts” as Joe Friday used to say, it rarely is upsetting.
Getting hooked is a great opportunity to learn about the mental models we operate in. A mental model is a paradigm or point of view we operate from. It is made up of deeply ingrained assumptions, generalizations, images, stories and it influences how we understand the world and how we take action.
Getting unhooked is a great way to get our power back and consciously create the future we WANT vs. the future we don’t.
May 21st, 2008
Asking for what you want is a very powerful act. It demonstrates a belief that getting what you want is possible. Additionally, having clarity about what you want allows you to take more definitive and effective actions. Asking for what you want keeps us from settling. Each time we settle for less than what we want we convince ourselves we can’t have what we truly want.The first step is to ask ourselves what we really want; not what we think we can get. Become curious and delve deeply into this question. Go beyond what you should want to discover what you truly want. You will know you are on the right track when you feel a bit of excitement at the thought of getting it. Perhaps it is being number one in sales, or having an exciting, fulfilling relationship, finding rewarding work or becoming a millionaire. Whatever it is make sure it’s what you truly want.
Next, ask yourself which of your strengths can you develop or use to get what you want. The traditional approach is to focus on a weakness to achieve a goal. Resist that temptation. Focusing on your strengths will get you what you want more quickly and you’ll be energized in the process.
Then, develop partnerships and collaborations with others with complimentary strengths. Start to ask others for what you want. If they say yes, great, if they say no, just say thanks anyway and ask someone else. Don’t be afraid of no, it’s just a two letter word.
Once you know what you want, take actions consistent with your strengths but don’t get stuck with the actions you take. There are numerous ways to get what you want. If you try something and it doesn’t work or you don’t like doing it, try something else. Getting what you want does NOT have to be hard work. Chances are if you are not enjoying the journey you are weakness focused.
Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, BE WILLING TO GET WHAT YOU WANT. Prepare for the inevitability of getting what you want both physically and emotionally. It takes different thinking to want than to have so think about what life will be like once you have what you want. Dwell in the possibility of achieving your goal. What would someone who has the desired thing do? What things will you stop doing once you get what you want? This kind of thinking will help you see what will be required of you once you get what you want.
February 8th, 2008
Ever notice that virtually everyone you know is doing too much or is too busy and/or is overwhelmed? And with the holiday season upon us, for many people it will only get worse. This has become our way of life. So much so that we have come to expect it and barely give it any thought at all. What if this need to do too much is a result of the deficit-based paradigm we live in? Perhaps all this activity, almost frenzy, is to somehow make up for the lack we feel? The fundamental belief of the deficit-based paradigm we live in is that “something is wrong.” Living with that belief, even when it is subconscious, shapes our thoughts and actions. This belief manifests in many ways. One is it makes us feel we have to be “super people who do too much” so no one notices what’s wrong with us or that we are flawed. Imagine if you woke up tomorrow with a new fundamental belief. Imagine you woke up believing you were perfect and did not need to be fixed in any way. What thoughts and actions would you engage in? How would you use your talents and strengths? How would life be different?
This is what is possible with an appreciative-based approach to life. The appreciative approach is not some Pollyanna approach where you put a positive spin on things. It literally is a new paradigm with a fundamental assumption that by focusing on what works about us we become energized and our natural creativity, innovation and enthusiasm are unleashed. It provides an entirely new possibility for life; a different experience of life – one filled with joy and freedom.
Life changes naturally when you focus on what’s working.
January 2nd, 2008
I had the honor and privilege of attending a leadership summit last week that was like no other event I have ever been to. There were so many amazing things I am not sure where to start. One of the things that stands out for me about the event was the diversity of people in attendance. There were people from various disciplines, ranging from an energy healer all the way to a neurologist and everything in between. Most of us did not know each other prior to the event but became very connected as a result. There were people from different countries and from other parts of the US. It was extraordinary how everyone worked together and were open to the opinions, methodologies and perspectives of others. What each person brought to the gathering was valued and appreciated. There was a loose structure for the event with a few items on the agenda however for the most part we were open to what emerged from the group, what wanted and needed to be addressed was. We co-created, we operated for the benefit of all at the same time honoring the individuals.
I have yet to find words that adequately describe my experience. Every time I attempt to put it into words I feel I have diminished the experience. All I can say is I am not the same as a result of this experience. The exposure to the process, by this I mean seeing human beings work together like this, was so exhilarating. Can you imagine a space where more than 20 people, all leaders in their fields with a vague idea of what might emerge, could co-create? It was the most authentic, generous space I have ever been in. There was something magical about this. I am sure it is due in large part to the woman who hosted the event, Judith Glaser, author of Creating WE and The DNA of Leadership. She was the one connection we all had. We each had met Judith and she somehow knew just the right mix of people to put together. Judith is one of the kindest, most generous, loving, and intuitive people I have ever met.
I am excited and anxious to see how this event continues to shape and influence my life. All of us who attended this event have expressed a commitment to continue our conversations and build on what we created. I love my life.
November 2nd, 2007
How often do you get to ponder that question? If you are like most people, you probably spend little to no time on this inquiry and spend the majority of your time thinking about how to fix yourself. Many people say they “know themselves” or they know what they are good at. That is not the same as knowing the conditions under which you work best or even knowing what your strengths are.
Strengths are characterized as activities that energize you, enliven you and well, strengthen you. You feel stronger and more alive as a result of participating in these activities. Conversely, engaging in activities that utilize your weaknesses will make you feel suppressed, low-energy, disengaged and they actually weaken you. The key is not just knowing your strengths but understanding your strengths in action. One way to do this is by studying the times in your life when you felt enlivened, engaged, proud of yourself or your result. By reliving these “peak experiences” through story telling, it’s possible to discover the elements of your success. These elements will help you to determine the conditions under which you work best. When you know what these conditions you can recreate them for the future. You can design your life around your strengths and learn to manage your weaknesses. This allows you to be immensely more effective and more importantly, happier and more fulfilled.
September 15th, 2007
I know, I know, I have been writing a lot about language. Here is the thing, I feel like we keep using the same words over and over again and they are insufficient. Here is an example. Last Friday I spoke at an event and it was fantastic, transformational and breathtaking all rolled into one. Afterwards, I tried to describe the experience and everything I said was insufficient to communicate how I felt or what the experience was like. This has been happening to me frequently. I feel as if I am doing groundbreaking work and when I go to discuss it all there is, is old language. Also, as I am speaking about my work or when people read about it, they keep referencing it against other work saying things like, “AI is like positive thinking,” or “AI is like The Secret.” No, it’s not. However, because there are a limited number of words to use, the distinctions are not clear. We live is a world that keeps trying to categorize everything into neat packages, lumping things together that shouldn’t be for the sake of convenience.
I think struggling to find the right words to express what you have to say is worth it. I think we have to be willing to use lots and lots of words and in different combinations. Consider Shakespeare. He used a plethora of words to express life. I am not sure where the need for economical language use came from. Everything does not have to be a snippet for a bumper sticker. Why do we have such a need to streamline our language? I know there is a place for succinct language usage but I think we have taken it to the extreme.
I am in the midst of an inquiry regarding language. I am challenging myself to explore my language use and to expand my vocabulary to make sure that what I am saying is what I want to say. I’ll keep you posted.
July 28th, 2007
you just might get it. I have come to loathe this statement. It is one of those things we say without being conscious of the impact. Once said, people just nod their heads and smile, knowing it is better to be happy with what you have than ask for anything because the negative impact of getting what you ask for is not worth the “getting.”
Words create worlds. Words are not descriptive; they are creative. The world the above statement creates is bleak and generates a sense of, “you’ll be sorry.” It leaves us afraid to ask for what we want or to go for what we want.
I am not saying that asking for what you want and getting it doesn’t sometimes come with unintended negative consequences. Often times it does. I do not believe this is an outcome of asking. I think this is an outcome of not thinking. You can’t continue to think with the same mind once you get what you wanted.
In other words, once you know what you want, ask for it and take actions towards getting it, you must have a change of mind to “having it.” I am literally talking about doing the thinking and planning for having the new thing come in to your life. What would someone who has the desired thing do? What will be different? What will be the same?
Acting as if it has occurred is a great way to “test out” the thing before you ever get it so that you can see if you really want it. Additionally, it is a great way to prepare for having it. Another important component to this is realizing the new thing will require new actions and this will challenge your current belief system. All actions are linked to your beliefs. Simply put, your thoughts direct your actions. New actions without new thinking causes strife and is why getting what you want can be challenging. This is not bad; this is great!
It is important to recognize that whatever it is that you wish for may cause you to use your weaknesses rather than your strengths. This will also require new thinking. How can you put your strengths into play? Who can you form partnerships with that have complimentary strengths to yours? This is an important element of being happy once you get what you want.
Lastly, I think we tolerate too much in our lives, thinking that is just the way it is. You have to take the good with the bad, etc. This is old thinking. I am committed to challenging people to bring new thinking to these kinds of beliefs. Who said we have to take the bad? Why? What if we really could create a world where good things happen naturally for people? What would be different? What would be good things happening naturally for you?
That’s what I wish for, a world where good things happen naturally for people. That’s the mind I am thinking with. And I am not being careful.
July 15th, 2007
Your immediate answer might be yes—but let’s examine this belief more deeply. If you won a large sum of money, would you resist collecting your prize? If you had a great idea at work and it was implemented, would you resist seeing your vision come to fruition? If you lost weight, would you resist a slimmer waist line? The answer is likely NO yet these are all examples of change. As a business coach and consultant everyone who comes to me is seeking change of some kind. So, what change if any do people resist? Perhaps people only resist change they feel they have no say in. If you believe the cliché—people resist change—you not only assume there will be resistance; this belief sets up the change to fail. If you authentically include people in the proposed change from the beginning not only are they far more likely to embrace the change, but you might be surprised to find that the change is even more powerful than you could have imagined. There is a principle of Appreciative Inquiry that states that the experience of wholeness, of understanding the whole story, brings out the best in people. Human beings thrive when they feel a part of something and can see their role in the big picture. Including people in the process of change every step of the way allows them to see how they fit in and more importantly, how they can make a difference with the change.
When you operate from the viewpoint of inclusion and give up having to control it all; you create an opening for people to contribute their ideas thereby making the change even more powerful. You will be amazed and inspired at what becomes possible so much so that you might be surprised to find yourself one day saying, “Wow, look how willing people are to change!!!”
June 25th, 2007
What it is about that word that conjures up so much hope and excitement? This one word more than almost any other illustrates the paradigm or mental model we have about work. We so look forward to vacations. We plan them; pay lots of money to “get away.” We work extra hard to prepare for our absence from work. We jump through all kinds of hoops for the promise of what a vacation holds. It’s all worth it for the almighty vacation! The worst part is, for most people, what ever is gained in relaxation or down time is quickly lost upon returning to work. The first day back there is excitement when you share about your vacation but it quickly fades. By the end of the first week back the responses to inquiries about your vacation become less animated and soon it is, “What vacation?”
I do not mean to create a bleak picture however I think this relationship to vacations reveals something about the world of work. The fact that the vast majority of people, 70% according to Gallup, are dissatisfied or disengaged at work tells us something too. I think the notion of attaining work life balance is impossible in the curent paradigm of work and all this talk about it gives people the illusion that they are doing something. More than anything it adds pressure to people because they now have something else to worry about. “Am I doing it right.”
I think when you get present to the ludicrousness of our work world you start to realize it was not designed for human beings. In fact, the current design, I say, is antithetical to being human. I am not advocating to throw it all out and start over becasue there are many things that are good about the current paradigm of work. I just think we have to rethink how we operate our businesses and organizations.
With all that we now know about human beings, with all the research that has been done, it makes sense to alter the way work gets done. Everyone knows you can’t fit a square peg into a round hole without damaging the square peg yet that’s what we keep doing everyday at work. We keep trying to make human beings things, parts in a machine if you will. We are creative, enthusiastic, innovative and playfu in our natural state. If you doubt this, watch young children playing for a few minutes.
The current model of work we have let’s us only play on vacation, a few weeks per year. I say it’s time for a change.
June 8th, 2007
I had an insight this morning as I was chasing after Toby, my 8 1/2 pound Maltese, to get him to take his allergy medicine. I was thinking that he is spoiled rotten. As I was thinking it I realized what a strange phrase it is. That is what we call someone who gets whatever they want and doesn’t have to work for it. There is so much disdain in the phrase “spoiled rotten.” This phrase creates a whole experience. Maybe I am more sensitive to it as the youngest of 6 children. I remember always being accused of being spoiled. I, of course, would vehemently deny it, “Am not!” But just think about the phrase, “spoiled rotten.” It conjurs up somehing disgusting, moldy cheese, sour milk, rancid meat. Again, this is the same phrase we use to describe a person who gets what they want and doesn’t have to work for it. The insight I had was it is no wonder we all resist getting what we want, lest we be accused of being spoiled rotten. Perhaps all the negative language we associate with the things we want unconciously influences our actions.
Let’s face it, we do not have a lot of positive adjectives to describe strengths. An organized person is referred to as anal retentive (a psychiatric disorder), a confident person is conceited or a braggert, a successful person is called lucky. I could go on but I am sure you can think of many more examples. Most of these phrases and adjectives predate us. We inherited this language and this way of thinking about success. And, for the most part, it goes un examined. So it is in the back of our minds silently limiting our actions and our ability to acheive want we want.
I am not suggesting that we monitor our every thought and make ourselves nuts. What I am saying is that there is a lot of things we think and say that if we were concious of the impact, we wouldn’t say them.
May 26th, 2007
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