Often people seek out my services because they feel stuck or stopped. They may use other words to describe it such as laziness, or procrastination, or confusion, or some other negative characteristic or personality flaw.
When I inquire into this with people almost always it boils down to being confused or not knowing what to do. Inevitably, they say something like, “Just tell me what’s the right thing to do.”
This, of course is accompanied by fear or worry. No one wants to fail or make a mistake, so avoidance makes total sense. Most people are aware of the underlying fear on some level or can recognize it if it’s pointed out to them.
Unfortunately, the mistake a lot of people make is seeing the fear as the central component or cause of their lack of action so they try to solve the fear problem. They try to understand the fear or talk themselves out of the fear, feel the fear and do it anyway, quash the fear, etc. all in an effort to get in action. This is exhausting and not very effective.
The true antidote to being stuck or stopped is noticing that you are trying to control something that is out of your control – the outcome or result. When you focus on the outcome of your actions you are giving your brain an unsolvable problem because, in reality, how it turns out is NOT up to you.
Let that sink in. How it turns out is NOT up to you.
When your attention is on trying to take the right action to get the result you are actually suppressing your innovative and creative abilities. It’s like tying your hands behind your back and wondering why you are not good at playing catch.
Sitting in the realization that the outcome is not up to you, i.e. it’s not in your control, frees you up to play full out, taking the next action that makes sense in the moment. It does not mean you will win the game; however, it means you’ll have access to your “A-Game” giving you a much greater shot at success. Your A-Game may not be very good at first, but it is still your A Game, and it will get better with practice.
Another benefit to this perspective is that each action you take produces useful information. One of my coaches used the analogy of the “Warmer-Colder” game that children play. In that game someone hides an object in a room and as another player tries to find it, they are told “warmer” if they are getting closer to the object and “colder” if they are moving away from it. When you are taking actions, you’ll be able to determine if you are getting warmer or colder in relation to the outcome you seek.
One trap to be aware of is expecting too much from any particular action. Sometimes a client will say, “I tried _______ (an action) and it didn’t work.” That is like playing one hole of golf and deciding you’re not good at it. Instead, relate to action like an experiment, learning what works and doesn’t work as you go. This will create momentum.
Feeling stuck or stopped isn’t a problem. It’s a message: You are in the future trying to control the outcome. To get unstuck, come back to the present and do what makes sense in this moment and see what happens.
If you’re tired of spinning in circles or waiting to feel “ready,” let’s have a conversation. Whether it’s coaching, a resource, or a fresh perspective, I’m here to support you in achieving your goals.
